Part 2: Chapter 1

Thanks for all the positive comments!! I'm excited to be starting Part 2 of this story!! A word of warning, I won't be posting on a regular basis like most of Part 1 because this is all completely new material, but I promise to post as often as I can.  I was going to make you wait for this, but I couldn't be mean!!

Enjoy!!

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

Stay or Leave – Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds

Part 2 – Ch. 1

“Hey Nealer!” Staalsy called out after me as I walked down the hall of the Consol Energy after practice in early September.

“What’s up Jordan?” I turned around, continuing to walk, but backwards.

“So Max and Tanger said something about going out tonight, you interested?”

I stopped and took in a breath, holding it for a moment, puffing out my cheeks like a blow-fish.  I’m fairly sure the guys in the Penguin’s locker room thought I was gay because I rarely went out and always ended up with some sort of excuse, last season after I was traded.  When a girl would come onto me, I’d push her over to Max or even TK because I felt so bad for the kid’s pig-nose that I figured he deserved every chance at a girl possible. 

I never talked about her, except to Brad when we’d have our weekly chat or texting sessions.  The only person on the team that knew the truth about me was Nisaknen, but that’s because he came along from Dallas with me.  He was the only one who wasn’t surprised when I came to camp last week laughing and smiling again because he knew the real me; the person I was in Dallas before I was traded and before there was no Hanna and me.

Everyone just figured I was the quiet, introvert on the team.  Time was healing things, it was getting easier for me to laugh and be myself but there were still things I saw or heard that would bring my thoughts back to her. 

It wasn’t sudden.  It was gradual.  She left for Denver a day or two after we left for our roadtrip and by the end of that week she was on a plane to Sweden.  Turns out Jimmy had contacts all over the world, including one that got her a gig with a Swedish Elite team.  She was probably crossing the Atlantic Ocean when I got a call from Ray Shero welcoming me to the Pittsburgh Penguins.  Life became a sudden whirlwind, causing Hanna and I to be tossed to the farthest ends of the universe.  It was a total shock when we went from whispering sweet nothings in the night while tangled together to an errant phone call once a week if we were lucky.  Once Hanna was able to get a phone that worked over-seas we were at least able to talk every other night but by that point it felt like everything we knew about each other had changed. 

She was learning a new language and immersing herself in the culture of a new country while making sure she was putting everything into her 2^nd chance.  I was lost in the cold streets of Pittsburgh and struggling to put even a point on the scoreboard.  I found the trade to be a complete surprise, especially after all the trouble I had gone through over the summer, re-signing with the Stars.  I never expected to be the one to get the boot, especially with all the speculation circulating around Brad and his pending Free Agency.  Between getting to know a whole new locker room, plus the added pressure of being brought here to basically help fill the shoes of Sidney Crosby, I found myself floundering miserably.

“They don’t expect you to be Cindy Crosby,” Hanna tried joking over the phone after I expressed to her how annoyed I was with not being able produce on the ice.  “Although I’m sure all the puck bunnies are thrilled to have some eye candy on the team that could give the kid a run for his prince charming role…”

“Sidney is now my team captain and he’s not the enemy anymore, so no more of your silly nicknames for him,” I scolded her, unable to help myself from smiling.  To be truthful it was still hard to comprehend the league’s golden boy was my team captain, especially since he still wasn’t allowed to be on the ice.  For now he was still a name tag on the locker next to mine.  It was a little surreal.

“Well in that case, you better dish everything you can about him because I am dying to know if he’s gay or not,” she declared into the phone.

“If he’s not?”

“Well then tell him I’m waiting in line with all the other single Canadian women, hoping he’ll ask me to marry me!”

“And what about me?!” I scoffed.

“I’ll let you live in our pool house, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind,” she giggled.

“Gee, thanks,” I grumbled.

“In all seriousness, I do not find him that attractive.  His brown eyes don’t do it for me I guess...” she mused.  “Except…” she began slowly.  “There was that one Winter Classic poster where it was just him, close up…”

“Really Hanna?!” I cried into the phone.

She began laughing hysterically on the other end, helping me picture her rolling around on the bed like she did when she found something really funny.  “Oh James, lighten up.  You know I am only joking.”

“I know,” I sulked.

“I miss you soooooo much,” she continued.

I sighed into the phone, wishing it was her I was holding instead of the cell phone in my hand that was quickly becoming over heated from use.  “I miss you too, Hanna.  When do you think you will be back in the States?”

“Beginning of May?” she said, not sounding 100% certain.  “I mean, that’s when I graduate and their season ends about that time…but I was hoping to get some sight seeing in considering I don’t know when I’ll get a chance to get back over here to Europe,” she spoke truthfully.

“You might not come home for graduation?” I asked skeptically.

“My parents already said they won’t be able to get out to Denver because they are going to be on a cruise.  They planned it the other year and didn’t even think about the fact that it would be close to my graduation,” she sighed.  “So I was kind of thinking of foregoing the whole walking part and just stay over here for an extra month of something, you know what I mean?”

I felt my chest constrict at the thought of possibly not seeing her for an even longer period of time.  Not that my plans were set in stone yet since we were set to make the playoffs so it wasn’t like I would be heading to the summer home right at the end of the season, but I wouldn’t mind having her in the stands to cheer me on.

“James?” I heard her ask, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Yeah?”

“I thought maybe you hung up on me…”

“No, I’m here.”

“You’re upset because I’m thinking of staying here for a bit, aren’t you?”

I shrugged even though she couldn’t see me.  “It’s an awesome opportunity and I understand why you want to stay and do more sightseeing.  You never know when you might get back there, so I say go for it,” I said resolutely, even though it pained me to be truthful.  Jealousy and selfishness was dripping on each word.  I wanted her home in the States to be with me and I was jealous because I didn’t have the freedom to be over in Europe experiencing everything she was.

“I’m sorry.  I don’t mean to be selfish…” she began.

“You’re not.  I am.”

“I guess we both are to an extent.”

“Yeah,” I said solemnly.

“Well, I haven’t made my decision yet, but I will let you know as soon as I do.”

“Okay.”

“Shit, I have to go.  I need to meet with the media crew here before the game tonight,” she suddenly spokeup.

“Alright, well I’ll talk to you later on.  Be safe and have fun.”

“You too.  And James?”

“Yeah?”

“Put the puck in the damn net, would you?”

I couldn’t help but laugh at this.  “Just for you.”

“Just for me.”

I scored my first goal as a Penguin that night in a shoot-out.

A couple weeks later she called to tell me she was staying in Europe until mid-June.

After losing game 7 in the quarter-finals I got a phone call from Team Canada, asking if I would like to come over to Slovakia and play for my country.  I was exhausted from a rollercoaster season, but I couldn’t turn down the chance to play for my country.  So, I found myself on a plane over to Europe, the same continent my Hanna was in.

“I’m soooo sorry about the Game 7 loss…” Hanna said loudly into the phone.

Where ever she was, it was loud, but she didn’t seemed bothered by my phone call.  It had been almost 2 weeks since we spoke because it seemed like our schedules never crossed at the right time.  “Did you get to watch any of the games?  We really fought hard.”

“I got to catch stuff on the internet every now and then.  One of the guys on the team here, Stephan, he somehow gets CBC feeds so he allowed me to hang out his place to watch some of the playoffs,” she informed me cheerfully.  Even though I was glad she was able to catch some of my games, it was just another reminder that we were very far away from each other and I had no clue who she was hanging out with, when she was with them, or where she was spending time with them.  “So what are your plans?!  Are you heading back up to the mother land?”

“I’m actually in Frankfurt,” I said simply, curious to hear her reaction.

“Frankfurt?  I only know one Frankfurt.”

I left out a tight laugh, attempting to picture her face.

“So what brings you to Frankfurt, Germany, Nealer?!” she squeaked into the phone, the background noise suddenly becoming quieter.  She must have stepped out of the room or something.

“I’m waiting for my connecting flight to Bratislava, Slovakia,” I informed her, knowing she was going to yell at me soon for not giving all the info at once.

“Why?” she asked in a higher pitched tone.

“I’m going to be playing in the World Championships.”

“Oh my God that is sooooo awesome!!!!!” she yelped into the phone, yet I sensed some disappointment in her tone.  Is she upset that I’m not here to visit her?  Would I have even thought about just showing up in Europe to see her if I wasn’t asked to come here and play?  

That was when it hit me that the relationship Hanna and I had begun to build a few months ago had cooled down to basically nothing.  We had both gone our separate ways.  It wasn’t totally a bad thing and I was immediately reminded by the words Brad spoke to me on the phone the day before I left for Slovakia.

“James, sometimes people come into our lives at the wrong time.  They leave behind some irreplaceable memories, but you will always be able to look back at them as good memories,” he said evenly.

“I love her, Brad,” I spoke, feeling the denial I had been dealing with over the last couple months rise up in the back of my throat.

“And I’m fairly sure she loves you too, dude, but I think it’s the wrong time for you two.  I think you just need to let it go and see where it takes you both.  If it’s meant to be…”

“…it will happen,” I finished with him in unison, refraining myself from rolling my eyes at my friend’s words of wisdom.  It sounded cliché, but I had seen proof of the words with a few of my friends and teammates.  “Have you sold her the same spiel?”

“In an e-mail the other week, I did.”

“What did she say back?”

“I think that is something you will need to talk to her about.”

The words came back to me and I found myself suddenly blurting out my question.  “Hanna, do you think we’re just going through the motions?”

There was a pause on her end and I could have sworn I saw the wheels turning without even being able to picture her face at the moment.  “I still care for you, James.”

“And I for you, but I feel like we are just hanging onto nothing right now,” I said quietly.

“I think this all happened at the wrong time,” she spoke slowly.  “I’m guessing you and Brad talked about this too?”

I tried to laugh, feeling my throat beginning to constrict with emotion.  It was probably over a while ago, but I didn’t want to see it or even think about it.  “Yeah, he gave me the same old lines they give in the movies.”

I heard her giggle, but with sadness.  “Same here.”

“I want to believe he’s right,” I said honestly.

“Me too.  With my whole heart I do,” she said sincerely.

This time I did leave out an ironic laugh while toying with the bracelet I had made during our short stay together in PEI.  “I definitely didn’t think this would be the conversation I thought we’d be having this moment.  I figured we’d possibly be making plans to meet up while I’m over here…”

She laughed too as she spoke.  “I’d love to see you and I’d love to be there to cheer on team Canada, but I’m actually in the Canary Islands on a little vacation of my own.   I needed some warmth and sun after spending my time in the Nederlands.  In a few days I’m heading back to the damp chills of Ireland and Wales…”

“I’ll be in touch.”

“I’ll add you to my trip blog if you like.”

“Send me the link.”

“Go Canada.  Kick some American ass.”

“No problem.”