Chapter 3

It's okay in the day I'm staying busy
Tied up enough so I don't have to wonder where is he
Got so sick of crying
So just lately
When I catch myself I do a 180
I stay up clean the house
At least I'm not drinking
Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking
That silent sense of content
That everyone gets
Just disappears soon as the sun sets

Wake Up Alone – Amy Winehouse

Ch. 3

The end of July and the month of August flew by.  Before I knew it, the team was arriving for their first day of camp at Glen Falls, ready to begin the new season.  It was now that I would be able to start the ball rolling on all my plans.  I was overly excited and crazy nervous as I stood in front of the guys.  Some of them looked thrilled to be here, others looked annoyed that they were sent down from the big club and then you had the ones that could barely sit still because they had ADHD or something.

“My name is Hanna Richards.  I am the new media director here for the club, so if you played here last year, you are going to see a lot of changes and hopefully you will see them as positive.  I have a ton of ideas for getting you guys more accessible to the public.  Fans like feeling connected to their teams and one of those ways is to know about their prospects.  Last year some of you did some one-on-one interviews but they seemed to have fallen by the way side.  This year, I’d like post a new interview each week of the season.  I or one of the interns will also be traveling along with you guys on some of your road-trips to catch behind the scenes footage and basically put a weekly “show,” for lack of better terms together for the fans to access on the web.  The internet is a great tool to get this team out there.  Another new thing this season is that you guys will be in charge of the music that gets played in the arena.  So what I’m asking for is your playlists.  If one of your teammates only listens to country, then that is what you will hear the whole game you are out on the ice.  So I’d really appreciate it if you put a couple minutes of your time into the list and think about your teammates who might or might not be appreciative of what you play.  I will be posting a calendar that will have your scheduled game night, so please get me your list within a week of your scheduled date so that I can put a warm-up mix together and what-not.”  I paused and quickly surveyed the room to see if I could get some sort of vibe and when I did I noticed a couple of the guys nodding and smiling at each other and then back up at me.  I took it as a good sign and finished up the speech that was making me seem like a professor or mother hen to guys that were roughly my age.  This thought suddenly made me feel slightly insecure and worried if my hair looked alright.  Get a grip Hanna, who gives a shit?!  “Um, if you guys have any ideas or suggestions, please don’t hesitate to get in contact with me.  My office is always open,” I finished my long winded introduction with a nervous smile and nodded my head towards Bob Brooks, the President, knowing he had a few more words to say to the guys before he broke the meeting.

Well, that went well.  I was humming a happy tune as I walked to my office or what I called my office. I immediately slipped off my dress heals and flipped on my IHome, flipped to a pop-playlist and cranked up the volume.  It was actually a little closet that was most likely an equipment room at one time and quite possibly still is.  A couple times over the last few months I walked in and found an errant tool box or a bag of stinky towels that needed to be laundered.  This morning I was surprised to find 2 gear bags.  They looked to be the same bags that players carried around, but I didn’t do much snooping because I didn’t have much time to worry about them.

I went to work on some paper work while shamelessly singing along to Carrie Underwood’s Undo It.  It was nice being on the other side of the arena where no one really bothered you…

“Excuse me,” a male voice said from the doorway, behind me.  My mouth was still open from singing one of the “undo it’s” in the song when I spun around in my chair to find a tall, fresh faced, brown eyed boy in an orange Flyer’s shirt and black gym shorts.  He was smiling curiously at me when another guy in practically the same outfit stopped next to him.  They had like facial features, but one was definitely younger than the other.

…okay, so cross out that part where I said that no one really bothered me here.

“Can I help you?” I asked, sounding obviously flustered.  I immediately began smoothing out my hair and tugged down the hem of my skirt as I abruptly stood up.  I’m not quite sure why I stood up, but I think it might have had something to do with the fact that I was now practically cornered in an office by two well built hockey players.

The first one’s smile got bigger as he took a step in and picked up one of the equipment bags that I had forgotten about.  “Just picking up our gear,” he said happily.  “Hope you don’t mind, but JP and I often hide our stuff in here, especially at the beginning of the year because we don’t want people messing with it in the locker room.  The rookies think they have something to prove in the prank department, so we didn’t give them a chance this year.  This was Bob’s office last season and he never cared…I guess we should have asked your first though,” he finished up as JP also took a step into my office.

“Oh, um, no, that’s fine…you can leave your stuff in here when you want.  I leave the door open, so you won’t have to worry about it being locked…”

“We already have a key,” JP winked at me as he held up his set of keys, jingling them a bit.

“Handy,” I laughed nervously.

“I’m Mike Testwuide, by the way,” the younger looking of the two suddenly blurted out as he reached over my desk to shake my hand.  He seemed to be about my age and it was easy to see he was well built like the majority of all hockey players I had come in contact with over the years.   I graciously shook it and then shook JP’s when he also offered his hand.  Turned out the boys were brothers and it was actually their 2^nd year playing in Glen Falls.  Before I knew it, they were both sitting in my closet office on folding chairs they had found in the hallway, talking with me about anything and everything.

“Nealer!” Coach Bylsma yelled out at practice.  You’re next up for mustache boy!”  A couple hoots and hollers came from the mob of hockey players that were either waiting to attempt their shoot-out attempt against Flower or had already gone against him.  He was in rare form, chirping everyone that came forward.

“Eees, Neeeeeaaalller! What ya got for me this season, ya fucker!” he called out in his thick French accent.

Instead of saying anything, I kept my head down, passed the puck between my skates a couple times, spun around and went top shelf over Flower’s blocker pad, garnering a string of curses from him and loud cheers from the rest of the boys and the large crowd that had gathered for our last pre-season practice.  I still found it strange to have such an enthusiastic turn-out for our practices; Dallas has die-hard fans, but this was a whole different situation.  The city of Pittsburgh bled for the Penguins and Steelers and I have to say it was nice playing for a town that supported the team.  However, when you’re popular in town, the puck-bunnies are 100 times worse.  Today there were about 4 signs with my name on them.  One read, “Hey Nealer, I’d be okay if you’d nail me!”  Pretty girl, but yeah, HUGE turnoff in my book.  Of course the guys ripped me mercifully throughout practice about it.

“Hey Crosby!  Looks like you have some competition in the bunny department!” Jordan laughed as he flipped the puck up at me.

“Aww, just shut it Staalsy, you’re jealous that Nealer has more game than you!” Sid chirped back.

“He might have better looks, but I’m fairly sure I got the better game…” Jordan laughed, not so subtly reminding me how I ended up totally blowing off this hot blonde at Diesel last night.

I was standing at the crowded bar when she bumped into me, spilling some of her drink on my shirt.  She was as tall as me, had impossibly long legs and beautiful long blonde hair that cascaded down over her almost bare shoulders.  The lights accentuated her curves that seemed to be in all the right places underneath her shimmery spaghetti-strapped top.  Everything about her screamed exact opposite of Hanna which is what made me revert back to my shy stupidity.

“Oh, I’m soo sorry!” she apologized enthusiastically, grabbing a napkin off the bar and pressing it to the front of my shirt.  Her touch burned, as if she was the devil himself.  Before I knew it, she had me pulled out onto the dance floor, giving me some excuse to pay me back for the alcohol abuse I witnessed.  She moved smoothly and I felt like a stripper poll.  By the end of the 2^nd song her tongue was running up along my neck and towards my ear.  She was turning me on but I suddenly felt the need for space.  Sure, I had a few one-night stands, but tonight was not going to end like that.  “Your place or mine, she suddenly whispered into my ear.”

“Neither,” I said shortly, finally getting enough courage to walk away and back over to the rest of the guys.

“Dude, she was hot and you just left her standing there!  How the fuck do you do that?!” TK cried.

“Not my type,” I mumbled before taking a swig of my beer.

“New season, new start,” Letang said quietly next to me with a raised eyebrow.  It wasn’t a question, it wasn’t a dare, it was just his way of reminding me that I was moving on to another part of my life and that I needed to take a couple more chances in life.

“I really think you have a lot of great ideas planned,” JP said sincerely.  “The guys were already talking about what they would put on their playlists when the meeting broke.”

“Yeah, I hear Rowe saying he wanted all TV show theme songs played one night…” Mike laughed.

“That’s actually an awesome idea!” I exclaimed, not even thinking that some of the guys might get totally silly, which I was sure the fans would love.

“Excuse me?  Is there anything else you guys would like?” the young waitress broke in, only looking at JP and Mike while totally ignoring me.  It seems that the Testwuide brothers were well known at the hamburger joint across the street from the arena.  The boys insisted I go out to eat with them after we sat and talked to almost dinner time.

I spoke up and asked for a chocolate milkshake, forcing her to look at me, which garnered me a snot-ass glare from the lovely waitress.  As soon as she walked away, Mike had something to say.  “That’s Tammy.  She thinks she has claim on all the guys of the team.”

“I guess I should just come here by myself next time,” I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

“Hell no.  Actually, that brings me to my next question.  Everyone in the front office seems a little too old to hang out with, except for Dave, the equipment guy.  So who have you been hanging out with?” JP asked.

“Um…no one really I guess.  Dave has a girlfriend that he is constantly on the phone with and seems to be integrated into the community, so it’s just me,” I said, realizing instantly that I must sound totally pathetic.

“Where are you living?” Mike instantly asked.

“At the Ramada Inn,” I pointed out the window to the building just a block away from where we were eating.

“Ouch, Leights stayed there last year and it was a little… well, definitely not a place to live for long term…” Mike noted.

“Well, I didn’t really have time to look for an apartment and it’s convenient.  I guess I really should start looking for something though,” I said thoughtfully.

Nothing more was really said on the matter because soon my milkshake came and we began a conversation on where to buy the best ice cream in the world.

“Do you always leave people standing out on the dance floors?” a semi-familiar voice spoke up while I walked by a table in a downtown coffee shop.

I stopped and looked down, seeing the familiar blonde from Diesel a couple weeks ago.  “Oh, hey,” I said, realizing things could possibly get really awkward.

“I have an empty seat if you’re interested in having some company while you drink your coffee,” she smiled.  “I promise not to invade your personal space this time…” she laughed lightly.  Today she was wearing a Pitt sweatshirt and jeans with her hair tied back in a messy pony-tail.  The only make-up she had on was some light eyeliner and a hint of mascara, making her actually prettier than she was at the club.

“Um, sure,” I said hesitantly as I pulled out the chair across from her and sat down.  “I don’t think you told me your name the other night,” I began.

“Shelly.  Shelly Trainer,” she smiled, reaching across the table to shake my hand.  “And you look familiar, but I’m not quite sure from where…”

I could tell she was being sincere but I still couldn’t help but laugh a little because I found it slightly odd she didn’t know who I was for the simple fact that most of the women who threw themselves at me knew exactly who I was.  “I’m James Neal,” I said simply, not really feeling the need to elaborate.

“Nice to meet you.  Do you go to college here in the city?”

“No, I just work here...you?”

“I’m a senior nursing major at Pitt,” she happily informed me.  “Um, I want to apologize for the other night.  I actually am not normally like that,” she suddenly began.  “This is probably going to sound pathetic, but I did it on a dare.  You see I broke up with my first love at the end of the last semester and my girlfriends think I need to move on...” she paused, blushed profusely and covered her face with her hand.

“Something wrong?” I asked, finding it slightly odd with the way she was acting.

“I’m not supposed to be telling you about my tragic love life.  That’s one of the rules my friends said I had to stick to!” she laughed lightly while shaking her head.

“Rules?”

“You aren’t supposed to talk about your exes to strangers or possible boys you wouldn’t mind going on a date with,” she recited the sentence like it straight out of a book.

“Hmm, now that is interesting advice,” I chuckled.  “I should talk to this friend of yours because I’m kind of in the same boat it seems,” I heard myself admit to this complete stranger.  Before either of us could say anything my cell phone beeped with a text message from Max.

“I see you chatting it up with a lady! I knew you had game!”

I felt the heat instantly rise up my neck and into my face as I began frantically looking around the small coffee shop.

“Um, are you looking for them?” Shelly giggled as she pointed out the window to Max, Jordan and TK making faces and dancing around like fools.  The way TK crossed his eyes, made him look like some sort of drunk pig.  It was horrendous and everyone in the shop was looking.

“Shit.  Yes, look, I’m sorry but I have to go…” I grumbled as I gathered up my coffee and money off the table.

“Maybe I’ll see you around,” she said, sounding hopeful.  Something made me stop, pull out my cell phone and get her number.  She gave it to me easily and we said our goodbyes.

A/N: here are some pictures of the new boys that you were introduced to in this Chapter... I did some of the research for ya'll. :o) Enjoy!

Mike Testwuide

JP Testwuide


Center: Ben Holstrom Left: Mike Testwuide Right: Andrew Rowe

Chapter 2

Hi All!!! Thank you sooo much for all the followers!! I probably sound silly always saying that, but I really do appreciate knowing people actually want to read what you write!! :o)

So apparently I thought I posted all of Chapter 1 of Part 2, but when I read through it a day later, it's not all there. Soooo the first paragraph is actually the last paragraph of Chapter 1 (which means we are still in James' point of view) I was going to go back and update it, but it didn't make much sense since you might not go back and read it, so I figured I'd just add it to this post. The rest of this Chapter is all from Hanna's point of view... because obviously she's been through just as much.

So now here I was back in Pittsburgh for my first full season with the team.  Sure, the split between Hanna and I was amicable, but it still took its toll.  Luckily the summer gave me all the time in the world to heal and move on.  Hanna’s blog ended at the end of June when she returned back to Canadian soil and so did the sparse contact we had with each other.  I had no clue what she was up to, despite the fact that I still talked to Brad on a regular basis.  However, Hanna’s name was never mentioned except once.  It was as if Brad knew it would only keep the wounds open and he was doing his best to help them close.  The one time he did say her name was when he called to tell me he wasn’t going to resign with Dallas.  Of course there were a lot of factors that made him want to become a free agent but the one thing that put the icing on the cake for him was the way they handled the Hanna/Rachel situation.

“I have to say that the way they handled Hanna’s situation really left a sour taste in my mouth,” he said the night before they announced his free agency.

I agreed whole heartedly.  The organization was not the same I had been drafted to and in a lot of ways I was glad to be gone, especially if Brad was now leaving.

So the goal this season is to move on to bigger and better things for lack of better terms.

“Where are we headed, Staalsy?”

“Diesel, of course!” he threw back a huge, cheesy, white toothed grin.  “Now this is the way for you to start the season, buddy!”

“Yeah, I think you’re right,” I smiled back as we bumped fists.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

A Little Bit Stronger – Sara Evans

Ch. 2

I acted strong on the phone, but when we hung up my legs fell out from underneath me as I slid down the side of the stucco wall, allowing it to dig deep into my skin as I went to the ground.  I didn’t care about the tourists decked out in party gear walking in and out of the doors that were to the left of me.  I barely heard the loud island music pumping outside to the beautiful picturesque resort.  The only thing I saw was my eyes filling with tears and only heard the sound of my heart breaking.

It was inevitable.  Every day that went by was building the foundation towards this, but it still didn’t make it easy to take, especially knowing he was on the same continent that I had been living on for the past couple months and now I wasn’t even able to see him.  Everything suddenly felt hollow inside.  Even though everything had cooled down from the boiling water we had become in such a short time, I still felt whole knowing he was there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to.  Plus, I had been day dreaming about finally being in his arms again when I got back to North America.  Now all those dreams would stay dreams because there was no more us.

He must have found someone else.  I guess this is why I’ve stayed so independent for so long…

Of course I ended up drinking away my sorrows in the Canary Islands, and what a better place to do it than on a far away islands off the western coast of Africa?!  I was there with some of my new friends from the Red Eagles, the Swedish hockey team that I had interned with.  In fact, one of my travel partners was American Matt Murley.  Matt was a forward for the team and it was likely he wasn’t going to be back for another year, so he too wanted to see the continent.  He had done his tour around the NHL/AHL teams, including the Penguins.  Supposedly he was a legend back in PA for going as Sid Crosby's date for Ryan Malone's wedding a few years back.  Of course I asked him the same question I asked James.  He swears the guy is straight. With my new relationship status, my goal in life has been set in stone.  My other travel buddy was Stephan.  He had been playing for the Eagles for 2 seasons now and was from Sweden.  He also knew how to speak a few languages, that included Spanish, German and enough French to be treated politely.  Steph came was just along for the ride and to act as our tour guide, since he had been to several of places we had on the itinerary.

Both were characters and both had become really good friends.  However, I had never told them about James.  They knew I was seeing someone, but I never told them who or that he was actually playing hockey in the NHL.  The night Matt walked out and found me sobbing was the night I finally opened up and began the healing process.

“You need to tell me what is going on,” Matt spoke quietly as he lead me back to our room.  He was actually a very perceptive, humble guy who I probably would have fallen in love with if my heart hadn’t belonged to someone else at the time I met him.  “I know you have been keeping parts of your personal life, personal; which is totally understandable.  However, it’s time to come clean, Sunshine.”

Sunshine was the nickname he gave me because he claimed my brown eyes sparkled even when the sun wasn’t hitting them, so I was obviously my own ball of fire, he insisted.  Over half of the team called me that during my internship.  As much as I loved my time in Dallas, Timra was even that much better.  There was definitely something about waking up and looking out at the beautiful, historic view from my window every morning that was totally romantic.  It’s just a shame I couldn’t share that with James.

I blew my nose and before he pulled me into his chest to coax me to just relax while I told my story.  “I’m fairly sure I fell in love for the first time this past January…” I began.  He listened to me, only stopping me a few times to ask a question or two but then pushed me to keep talking.  As I spoke, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and by the end I had no more tears to cry; it was as if I finally could move on.  “I feel pathetic considering it was only a month and a half and I act like it was a 10 year relationship…” I mumbled.

“Sometimes you can go through a roller-coaster of emotion in a very short-time and sometimes it might be a lifetime to feel all the feelings you felt in that short amount of time.  It’s nothing to be ashamed about.  I’m fairly sure we all dream about falling in love like that at some point in our life.  However, I’m just confused on why you don’t tell him how you really feel,” Matt asked quietly, running his fingers loosely through my hair.

“Because it’s obvious to me that we are both at different points in our lives,” I said, actually believing my words for the first time.  “I have goals that I want to reach in my life.  I guess you could think that selfish, but I just don’t think they are possible to achieve if I’m tied down to anyone, especially James.  I already feel like I failed him for not being home to cheer for him and support him, and I’ve always been a firm believer that if you are going to be a couple, you need to put your all into the relationship.  Too often I saw my parents slack in that department and too often I was kept up at night by them arguing about it.”

Surprisingly Matt didn’t have any words of agreement or disagreement for my last statement.  Instead he was the perfect friend for not saying anything for a few quiet moments.  When he finally spoke, he spoke the words I needed to hear most.  “Let’s go back to the bar and drink.”

Time heals.  Alcohol numbs the pain.  And tromping around Europe with two friends helps fulfill the heart.  By the end of our trip it was decided we would be buying a medieval castle in Scotland, get into the gondola business in Venice, propose marriage on the Eiffel Tower in Paris, say our wedding vowels at St. Stephens Cathedral in Vienna, party-crash Oktoberfest in Munich, and run with the bulls in Spain.  Despite my short time in Europe I found I made more memories than I could have ever imagined and had more fun than a kid at a water-park in the summer.  I felt renewed and ready to tackle all the new opportunities ahead of me.

“I swear you are doing the jitterbug in your seat, even when you sleep!” Matt smiled over at me while we flew over the Atlantic Ocean.

“This plane can’t land soon enough,” I divulged.  “I don’t think I realized how homesick I was until we boarded the plane.”

“I have a secret,” Matt leaned over and whispered playfully into my ear.

“What’s that?” I played along.

“I feel the exact same way.”

I couldn’t help but giggle at him.  Matt and I had become very close over the month, especially after we had the talk about James.  He was a complete character that never really seemed to be serious about much of anything.  He was the friend I needed to teach me that it was okay to move on and live my life the way I wanted to and that it was sometimes acceptable to be selfish when it came to making myself happy.  The best part about our friendship, he helped me enjoy my last hurrah before real life set-in.

“Miss Richards, we are very impressed with your portfolio and I have a feeling you are going to be a great fit for Glen Falls.  As you can see we are in need of getting the team out to the public and your ideas are phenomenal!” Rob Brooks, the President of the team, exclaimed while sitting across from me in the board room of the Glen Fall’s Civic Center in New York, which was an hour southwest of Albany.  It was a small town, but it was a beautiful location that I immediately fell in love with.  Lucky for me, I didn’t need the bright lights of a big city to make me happy.  The Catskill’s weren’t the Swiss Alps, but they had a certain lure that made me feel right at home.  However, my goal was to someday end up in the big city, being the head of Media Relations for an NHL team.  For now, I’d have to hone my skills in the AHL, but I this seemed to be the perfect place to do that.  No pressure.  “So when can I expect to hear your final decision?” I asked politely.

“Probably tonight,” he answered, looking around at some of the other big-wigs who nodded with approval.  “If you are offered and accept the job, we would expect you to begin as soon as possible since this is an open position.”

“That is reasonable,” I said with a smile, already knowing I had a fairly large task to tackle with it only being a month before the season was set to begin.  I had a whole website to revamp and I needed to get my plans all in line for the season, including hiring an assistant and taking on a few interns of my own.  So all in all, things were quickly coming together.

A few hours later I received the phone call that I was officially the marketing and media director of the Adarondak Phantoms and that I’d be expected to start work on Monday morning.  It was now only Tuesday.

Wednesday morning I was back in Murray Harbor, PEI.  By early evening I was swimming up to the back of Brad’s boat after messing around on wake-board.

“Thanks for dropping me!” I complained playfully as my cousin pulled me back up into the boat.

“I think you just need to learn how to wake-board, Hanna!” my brother Wyatt chirped from the driver’s seat.  He always drove the boat like an ass-hole when I was hanging off the back, it was something I’d grown used to.  Even though I’d never give him the pleasure of knowing it, but I did enjoy the challenge and I was disappointed when he wasn’t driving.  It was my brother’s own way of telling me he loved me, know matter how fucked up it seemed.

“It’s obvious you’ve been working out because I’m fairly sure you weren’t that ripped when you were in Dallas” Burish chuckled while squeezing my bi-cep.  He and Otter were up spending the week with Brad.  I didn’t realize they were here until Adam came running down the hallway of the airport screaming my name dramatically.  I could have died, not from embarrassment, but more from laughter and happiness.  I didn’t realize how much I missed my two rowdy friends.  I have to admit I felt a mix of emotions when the boys let it slip that James had been up for the weekend, but went home last night.  Jared Boll was getting married and James was the best man.  I’m sure my heart did a little flip-flop, but I’m not sure if it was disappointed or happy.  However, I couldn’t let anything bother me for long because the guys had me talking about my adventures in Europe and New York.

“I had nothing better to do but to work out with the team over in Sweden.  It was either that or go back to my hotel room and be bored out of my mind…” I reminisced.

“Sure as hell looked like you didn’t even sleep with all those pictures on your blog!” Ott remarked.

“I did see and do a lot,” I giggled.  “But there is a lot of down-time too that can’t always be filled up with sight-seeing.  Plus, I was on a bit of a budget.”

“What are you going to do with your free time in Glen Falls?  I can’t imagine there are a ton of things to do there,” Brad said, handing me a beer out of the cooler.

“Hopefully I’ll be able to make a few friends,” I sighed.

“I seriously don’t think you’ll have trouble in that department,” Adam laughed.  “You will have to fend those young guys off with a 10 foot poll if you want to keep your panties on.”  I left a red welt on his back when I slapped him.  He was still rubbing it and pretending that it actually hurt when he went right back at me.  “But then again maybe Matt Murley will be there to fend them off?”

Both Otter and Burish had kept in touch with me via my blog, but of course they wanted to hear more of the in-depth stories I had been hesitant to write about due to the fact my family was also following it.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I scoffed.

“Yeah, what is that all about?!” Brad joined in.  “You two were in a lot of pictures together…”

“He was one of my travel buddies…” I began to defend myself, but it was hopeless with 4 rowdy boys that had wandering minds.  “Whatever guys, nothing happened.  He’s a great friend!” I cried, putting an emphasizing tone on the friend word but I knew it was not worth anymore argument.  They were going to believe what they wanted to believe.  I just prided myself in being smarter than them.

Besides mentioning that James had been here, just miles from my house, nothing more was said about him until that night when we were sitting by the campfire.  It was technically just me and Steve because Burish, Brad and Wyatt were already passed out in their camp chairs.

“So are you going to be a little more open about the situation than James has been?” Steve asked quietly while looking at me sincerely.  He was such a jokester/loud mouth, that sometimes I forgot how serious of a man he could be.

I left out a nervous laugh and pressed the beer bottle to my lips so I could have a moment to think if I really wanted to talk about the subject.  After a long breath, I spoke.  “Everything came at the wrong time I guess.”

Steve’s abrupt laugh at my remark woke up a snoring Adam for just a moment, but he quickly drifted back to sleep.  “It’s like pulling teeth with you two,” Steve shook his head.

“What did he say?” I asked against my better judgment.  I was slowly moving on in my own way, but it didn’t stop me from wondering if I should just call him or show up at his house to profess my love.  I was actually thinking of doing the latter part up until I was offered the job yesterday.  Long distance did work before and there was no way it was going to work this time, especially with all my new responsibilities that I was going to have to learn.

“The same damn thing,” Otter confessed.  “He’s not seeing anyone, if you want to know.  He seems happy, but there just seems to be something missing in his personality…” he paused.  “It’s the same spark you seem to be missing,” he finished.

I let out another nervous laugh and shook my head in denial; the alcohol giving me that lulling feeling that told me I would sleep well tonight.  “Shut up, Otter.  I’m not going to fall for that bullshit.”

“You can call it bullshit, but I do know what I’m talking about, sweetheart.”

Part 2: Chapter 1

Thanks for all the positive comments!! I'm excited to be starting Part 2 of this story!! A word of warning, I won't be posting on a regular basis like most of Part 1 because this is all completely new material, but I promise to post as often as I can.  I was going to make you wait for this, but I couldn't be mean!!

Enjoy!!

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

Stay or Leave – Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds

Part 2 – Ch. 1

“Hey Nealer!” Staalsy called out after me as I walked down the hall of the Consol Energy after practice in early September.

“What’s up Jordan?” I turned around, continuing to walk, but backwards.

“So Max and Tanger said something about going out tonight, you interested?”

I stopped and took in a breath, holding it for a moment, puffing out my cheeks like a blow-fish.  I’m fairly sure the guys in the Penguin’s locker room thought I was gay because I rarely went out and always ended up with some sort of excuse, last season after I was traded.  When a girl would come onto me, I’d push her over to Max or even TK because I felt so bad for the kid’s pig-nose that I figured he deserved every chance at a girl possible. 

I never talked about her, except to Brad when we’d have our weekly chat or texting sessions.  The only person on the team that knew the truth about me was Nisaknen, but that’s because he came along from Dallas with me.  He was the only one who wasn’t surprised when I came to camp last week laughing and smiling again because he knew the real me; the person I was in Dallas before I was traded and before there was no Hanna and me.

Everyone just figured I was the quiet, introvert on the team.  Time was healing things, it was getting easier for me to laugh and be myself but there were still things I saw or heard that would bring my thoughts back to her. 

It wasn’t sudden.  It was gradual.  She left for Denver a day or two after we left for our roadtrip and by the end of that week she was on a plane to Sweden.  Turns out Jimmy had contacts all over the world, including one that got her a gig with a Swedish Elite team.  She was probably crossing the Atlantic Ocean when I got a call from Ray Shero welcoming me to the Pittsburgh Penguins.  Life became a sudden whirlwind, causing Hanna and I to be tossed to the farthest ends of the universe.  It was a total shock when we went from whispering sweet nothings in the night while tangled together to an errant phone call once a week if we were lucky.  Once Hanna was able to get a phone that worked over-seas we were at least able to talk every other night but by that point it felt like everything we knew about each other had changed. 

She was learning a new language and immersing herself in the culture of a new country while making sure she was putting everything into her 2^nd chance.  I was lost in the cold streets of Pittsburgh and struggling to put even a point on the scoreboard.  I found the trade to be a complete surprise, especially after all the trouble I had gone through over the summer, re-signing with the Stars.  I never expected to be the one to get the boot, especially with all the speculation circulating around Brad and his pending Free Agency.  Between getting to know a whole new locker room, plus the added pressure of being brought here to basically help fill the shoes of Sidney Crosby, I found myself floundering miserably.

“They don’t expect you to be Cindy Crosby,” Hanna tried joking over the phone after I expressed to her how annoyed I was with not being able produce on the ice.  “Although I’m sure all the puck bunnies are thrilled to have some eye candy on the team that could give the kid a run for his prince charming role…”

“Sidney is now my team captain and he’s not the enemy anymore, so no more of your silly nicknames for him,” I scolded her, unable to help myself from smiling.  To be truthful it was still hard to comprehend the league’s golden boy was my team captain, especially since he still wasn’t allowed to be on the ice.  For now he was still a name tag on the locker next to mine.  It was a little surreal.

“Well in that case, you better dish everything you can about him because I am dying to know if he’s gay or not,” she declared into the phone.

“If he’s not?”

“Well then tell him I’m waiting in line with all the other single Canadian women, hoping he’ll ask me to marry me!”

“And what about me?!” I scoffed.

“I’ll let you live in our pool house, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind,” she giggled.

“Gee, thanks,” I grumbled.

“In all seriousness, I do not find him that attractive.  His brown eyes don’t do it for me I guess...” she mused.  “Except…” she began slowly.  “There was that one Winter Classic poster where it was just him, close up…”

“Really Hanna?!” I cried into the phone.

She began laughing hysterically on the other end, helping me picture her rolling around on the bed like she did when she found something really funny.  “Oh James, lighten up.  You know I am only joking.”

“I know,” I sulked.

“I miss you soooooo much,” she continued.

I sighed into the phone, wishing it was her I was holding instead of the cell phone in my hand that was quickly becoming over heated from use.  “I miss you too, Hanna.  When do you think you will be back in the States?”

“Beginning of May?” she said, not sounding 100% certain.  “I mean, that’s when I graduate and their season ends about that time…but I was hoping to get some sight seeing in considering I don’t know when I’ll get a chance to get back over here to Europe,” she spoke truthfully.

“You might not come home for graduation?” I asked skeptically.

“My parents already said they won’t be able to get out to Denver because they are going to be on a cruise.  They planned it the other year and didn’t even think about the fact that it would be close to my graduation,” she sighed.  “So I was kind of thinking of foregoing the whole walking part and just stay over here for an extra month of something, you know what I mean?”

I felt my chest constrict at the thought of possibly not seeing her for an even longer period of time.  Not that my plans were set in stone yet since we were set to make the playoffs so it wasn’t like I would be heading to the summer home right at the end of the season, but I wouldn’t mind having her in the stands to cheer me on.

“James?” I heard her ask, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Yeah?”

“I thought maybe you hung up on me…”

“No, I’m here.”

“You’re upset because I’m thinking of staying here for a bit, aren’t you?”

I shrugged even though she couldn’t see me.  “It’s an awesome opportunity and I understand why you want to stay and do more sightseeing.  You never know when you might get back there, so I say go for it,” I said resolutely, even though it pained me to be truthful.  Jealousy and selfishness was dripping on each word.  I wanted her home in the States to be with me and I was jealous because I didn’t have the freedom to be over in Europe experiencing everything she was.

“I’m sorry.  I don’t mean to be selfish…” she began.

“You’re not.  I am.”

“I guess we both are to an extent.”

“Yeah,” I said solemnly.

“Well, I haven’t made my decision yet, but I will let you know as soon as I do.”

“Okay.”

“Shit, I have to go.  I need to meet with the media crew here before the game tonight,” she suddenly spokeup.

“Alright, well I’ll talk to you later on.  Be safe and have fun.”

“You too.  And James?”

“Yeah?”

“Put the puck in the damn net, would you?”

I couldn’t help but laugh at this.  “Just for you.”

“Just for me.”

I scored my first goal as a Penguin that night in a shoot-out.

A couple weeks later she called to tell me she was staying in Europe until mid-June.

After losing game 7 in the quarter-finals I got a phone call from Team Canada, asking if I would like to come over to Slovakia and play for my country.  I was exhausted from a rollercoaster season, but I couldn’t turn down the chance to play for my country.  So, I found myself on a plane over to Europe, the same continent my Hanna was in.

“I’m soooo sorry about the Game 7 loss…” Hanna said loudly into the phone.

Where ever she was, it was loud, but she didn’t seemed bothered by my phone call.  It had been almost 2 weeks since we spoke because it seemed like our schedules never crossed at the right time.  “Did you get to watch any of the games?  We really fought hard.”

“I got to catch stuff on the internet every now and then.  One of the guys on the team here, Stephan, he somehow gets CBC feeds so he allowed me to hang out his place to watch some of the playoffs,” she informed me cheerfully.  Even though I was glad she was able to catch some of my games, it was just another reminder that we were very far away from each other and I had no clue who she was hanging out with, when she was with them, or where she was spending time with them.  “So what are your plans?!  Are you heading back up to the mother land?”

“I’m actually in Frankfurt,” I said simply, curious to hear her reaction.

“Frankfurt?  I only know one Frankfurt.”

I left out a tight laugh, attempting to picture her face.

“So what brings you to Frankfurt, Germany, Nealer?!” she squeaked into the phone, the background noise suddenly becoming quieter.  She must have stepped out of the room or something.

“I’m waiting for my connecting flight to Bratislava, Slovakia,” I informed her, knowing she was going to yell at me soon for not giving all the info at once.

“Why?” she asked in a higher pitched tone.

“I’m going to be playing in the World Championships.”

“Oh my God that is sooooo awesome!!!!!” she yelped into the phone, yet I sensed some disappointment in her tone.  Is she upset that I’m not here to visit her?  Would I have even thought about just showing up in Europe to see her if I wasn’t asked to come here and play?  

That was when it hit me that the relationship Hanna and I had begun to build a few months ago had cooled down to basically nothing.  We had both gone our separate ways.  It wasn’t totally a bad thing and I was immediately reminded by the words Brad spoke to me on the phone the day before I left for Slovakia.

“James, sometimes people come into our lives at the wrong time.  They leave behind some irreplaceable memories, but you will always be able to look back at them as good memories,” he said evenly.

“I love her, Brad,” I spoke, feeling the denial I had been dealing with over the last couple months rise up in the back of my throat.

“And I’m fairly sure she loves you too, dude, but I think it’s the wrong time for you two.  I think you just need to let it go and see where it takes you both.  If it’s meant to be…”

“…it will happen,” I finished with him in unison, refraining myself from rolling my eyes at my friend’s words of wisdom.  It sounded cliché, but I had seen proof of the words with a few of my friends and teammates.  “Have you sold her the same spiel?”

“In an e-mail the other week, I did.”

“What did she say back?”

“I think that is something you will need to talk to her about.”

The words came back to me and I found myself suddenly blurting out my question.  “Hanna, do you think we’re just going through the motions?”

There was a pause on her end and I could have sworn I saw the wheels turning without even being able to picture her face at the moment.  “I still care for you, James.”

“And I for you, but I feel like we are just hanging onto nothing right now,” I said quietly.

“I think this all happened at the wrong time,” she spoke slowly.  “I’m guessing you and Brad talked about this too?”

I tried to laugh, feeling my throat beginning to constrict with emotion.  It was probably over a while ago, but I didn’t want to see it or even think about it.  “Yeah, he gave me the same old lines they give in the movies.”

I heard her giggle, but with sadness.  “Same here.”

“I want to believe he’s right,” I said honestly.

“Me too.  With my whole heart I do,” she said sincerely.

This time I did leave out an ironic laugh while toying with the bracelet I had made during our short stay together in PEI.  “I definitely didn’t think this would be the conversation I thought we’d be having this moment.  I figured we’d possibly be making plans to meet up while I’m over here…”

She laughed too as she spoke.  “I’d love to see you and I’d love to be there to cheer on team Canada, but I’m actually in the Canary Islands on a little vacation of my own.   I needed some warmth and sun after spending my time in the Nederlands.  In a few days I’m heading back to the damp chills of Ireland and Wales…”

“I’ll be in touch.”

“I’ll add you to my trip blog if you like.”

“Send me the link.”

“Go Canada.  Kick some American ass.”

“No problem.”